America Kicks Ass is the finest column around when it comes to appreciating the little things in life that are American, and also kick ass. The column covers a variety of American creations through a overflowing waterfall of patriotic sentiment.
Kavahn Mansouri
– Arts & Life Editor –
“Cash rules everything around me. Get the money. Dolla Dolla bill y’all.” –Wu-Tang Clan
The Wu-Tang Clan pretty much sums up everything this column has to say on another great American tradition dubbed “Suing.”
The act of suing is probably as American as it gets. Suing is when one person decides that they want someone else’s money, property, pet Labrador, etc. So they go out and get a lawyer, file some paperwork, go to court, argue for a while and end up with some extra cash to spend. Which they then of course spend that money on sweet monster trucks and assault rifles. (I mean who wouldn’t right?)
Throughout American history, people have been suing the heck out of each other and having a pretty fantastic time doing it. In fact, suing people sounds so fantastic I plan on suing anyone who shoots me a dirty look or crosses me the wrong way for the rest of my life. Sure someone will be losing a small to large amount of money. But that isn’t something that should stop Americans from unleashing a sword of justice on the naysayers of freedom.
Do not be fooled though, if suing someone is something in your future plans, remember that there is always the possibility of losing. So here are a few tips to make sure winning is inevitable. First of all, show up to every court day sporting American flag pants. Nothing says “Do work” like American flag pants. Remember that a courtroom is a lot like an internet forum, you can interrupt almost anyone at any time by yelling something like “objection” or “too long, did not listen.” Third and most important, bring a badge of some sort to flash at the jury while presenting the case. No one rules against a person with a badge… everyone knows that.
Have no fear; following these steps will lead to a triumphant victory reminiscent of The Revolutionary War. For suing each other is the most American thing Americans can do in America. Next time someone besmirches the great country of America, do not just sit there. Pick up the double-edged axe of justice and freedom and file a lawsuit.
