Not for the insecure or faint of heart:
TYRA LEESMAN EDITOR-IN-CHIEF:
Monogamy is king in western culture. Nothing boils the blood more than a romance between a cis hetero couple gone sour after a one-night stand. There are movies, songs, poems, sayings, wives’ tales and even classes one can take on the subject. “Cheating” can be defined broadly in western society, as anything even remotely sexual with another person, outside of the committed, monogamous relationship. What is it, though, that hurts us so much when it comes to being cheated on, or having cheated? Polyamory is the practice of having more than one lover. Sometimes this means falling in love with multiple people. Sometimes it resembles monogamy in that there is one central relationship with outside partners. Sometimes there are very strict rules about those partners and the levels of intimacy considered safe versus that which feels too much like “cheating” to the non-participating partner. Polyamory is not for everyone. In fact, it isn’t for most people. Even those who branch out into polyamory often find that they cannot bear the burden of self-assurance and trust required, or the weight of having to reassure a needy partner. In my own, personal poly experience, there is a great deal of insecurity to overcome before a couple can succeed in opening their relationship. My ex-fiance and I spent three solid years building trust and security in our relationship before actually allowing outside partners into our bed. At first, it was an experiment to better understand our sexual preferences and true orientations. I discovered that I am pansexual, and he discovered that no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t become aroused by men, and was disappointed to find that he was as heterosexual as the day is long. His coming to terms with being “regular” but not “boring” was yet another journey we faced together. After some time, I found that I was comfortable even being out of town when one of the girls I trusted came over to have sex with my fiancé. However, through introspection and meditation within myself, and through superb communication with my fiancé, I also found that the idea of a woman cuddling him bothered me a bit. It wasn’t the sex, but the intimacy they shared that made me jealous. I don’t care about being the only thing he craves in bed because frankly, I like variety myself. His genitals do not belong to me, and neither do his fantasies. What I truly wanted to keep sacred was the sweetness, the closeness, and most importantly: our love. At the end of the day, I wanted to be the one in his heart. He didn’t want to fall asleep next to any of the other people that joined our sexual relationships. I didn’t want to share my problems with any of my boy toys or side chicks. When our introverted sides kicked in, the only people we could stand to be near was one another. All of that said, polyamory comes with rules and stipulations that are unique to the couple and the individuals themselves. These rules must be treated as sacred and unbreakable. What ended my beautiful, nearly perfect five-year relationship with my best friend was the breaking of one such rule. We had haphazardly broken all the others here and there, and so when I broke the last, most important one (no past boyfriends allowed), what I thought was a minor, forgivable offense would become the cause of heartache, PTSD, suicide attempts, and worst of all, a loss that mimicked the grieving of a death and made an unhealable scar between us. Polyamory is a worthwhile endeavor, and I wouldn’t change a single day of my relationship with my ex. My current boyfriend and I have dabbled in this lifestyle, too. The lovers we share are my favorite, and the ones he may take in my absence don’t make me jealous, but excited. However, if this isn’t the way your heart works, dear reader, do not attempt to swim the waters of a poly lifestyle or you will drown in the tiniest insecurities; the briefest missed text or night alone will pull you under until you cannot breathe. It may sound terribly exciting to try, but one must trust and know themselves, their partners, and the rules before diving in. Taking an outside lover can be freeing and fun, and can bring couples closer than they ever imagined, but tread lightly. Communicate perfectly. Lay boundaries and never, ever cross them. Often the heart you break will be your own. Practice safe sex, as well as safe love, and the rewards will be glorious.
