The beauty of the Pursuit of Happiness is that no matter who you are, where you live, what you know, when you were born, or who you love, you can be happy. True happiness is above the five W’s and so are you. Learn how to find happiness in the good and bad times of life. Believe it. Read it. Be happy.
Joe Douglas
– Editor-in-Chief –
One of the great paradoxes of happiness is that people who strive for happiness will never be happy, but those who accept their mi s for tune s a n d imperfections have the opportunity to be happy now.
It sounds crazy, but it’s absolutely true. Happiness can’t be achieved by reflecting on the past, dreaming of the future, or looking for it now. It’s almost contradictory to the title of this column, “Pursuit of Happiness.”
In reality, though, pursuing happiness comes from finding it within you here and now, not chasing it in an ideal relationship or in a dream job. Having those can make happiness seem easier to obtain, but it also makes it conditional.
We have an imagined view of ourselves where everything is going right and we are at the pinnacle of life. We imagine being completely healthy, married to the perfect spouse, working a dream job, being intelligent, or having a lot of friends. We compare who we really are, which may be opposite to some or all of the above, to the “idealized self,” dubbed by Karen Horney, one of the founding psychoanalysts of modern psychology.
The further we are in reality to the person in our dreams, the more insecurities and negative feelings take root. There is a constant pressure to meet the expectations that the idealized self places on us; the greater the difference between the two selves, the greater the pressure. “I need straight A’s or I can’t be successful. I need this to be happy. I need that. I can’t get anywhere in the world unless I’m beautiful or handsome.”
These are all selfdefeating thoughts created by the idealized self. It takes work and years of determination to reach the ideal self, if it’s even possible. Often our standards are set too high, making reaching the idealized self nearly impossible. The pervasive, self-defeating thoughts that come from comparing yourself to your ideal self can sometimes develop into narcissism, perfectionism or self-belittling.
During my high school years, I became a perfectionist. I couldn’t settle for a B and getting a C was death. I had to be perfect company or I was a worthless individual that didn’t deserve new friends. I beat myself up and raised my expectations higher and higher, believing that improvement came from meeting higher expectations. I didn’t realize until I graduated from high school how much harm it was doing to me. I was distressed by the pressure from my ideal self. It became so bad that it was harming my health.
While reading stories of perfectionism on the internet, many people suggested the same remedies: lighten up. Take a break. Lower the bar. Be satisfied with your efforts. Pat yourself on the back. See mistakes as growing opportunities. I started taking their advice little by little. I lowered my unnecessarily high expectations and let myself make mistakes.
In order to overcome self-defeating thoughts and impossible expectations, change the ideal self’s qualifications. Make the real you the ideal self. Be comfortable with your misfortunes and weaknesses. See them as growing opportunities and pieces of the real you.
Make a deal with the ideal. “If I change you, we can both be happy.”
