Fashion do’s and don’ts for the upcoming season
By: CULLEN MILLER
Staff Writer
Spring is now upon us; the snow has melted, the birds are chirping and the sun is out. It is finally warm and some life is coming back into nature. And just like nature intended it is time to shed the winter coat and the misconception that only gay men and Europeans dress well. Maybe style is not an inherent skill, maybe exceptional style is “too expensive,” or perhaps you just do not care about how you look. Get a clue, shop somewhere more affordable and lose the attitude.
For starters do not ever do these style screw ups: socks and sandals, conflicting patterns, age inappropriate clothes, bro shorts and popped collars and fedoras. Socks and sandals should pop up as an automatic fashion no but some people still violate this first-commandment. If you have ugly feet and busted-ass toenails get a pedicure. “Metrosexual” is just a word made up by slobs who wanted to appear more masculine. And if you still do not like how your feet look I guess it is time to give up and buy a nice pair of closed-toe spring shoes.
Next thing to never do is wear conflicting patterns. Some examples would be combining: more than one plaid, stripes, dots, checker board, charlie brown zig-zags, flowers, race cars, it does not matter, they do not mix. If they are two different patterns, do not combine them. This isn’t clown college. Instead pick one of the items and find something with a solid color to go with it.
The expiration date on those t-shirts with corny jokes about how sarcastic, awesome, annoyed, or whatever you are was definitely some time before community college. Middle school kids probably still get a kick out of how “totes hilar” these stupid shirts are but it is time to grow up and dress like an adult. Do not take that to mean “assimilate” or “conform,” just do not write yourself off as some dumbass who still thinks target graphic tees are too funny not to buy.
Lastly, do not type-cast yourself too much. Just because a person likes sports/videogames doesn’t mean they have to dress like a caricature of a typical “jock/nerd.” Try to keep people guessing about what you’re like instead of just dressing how you want people to think you are. Break out of the pastel colored bro-shorts + polo w/ popped collar box and be more original. How a person dresses says a lot about them and someone who dresses just like everyone does not seem very interesting.
Do not fret; there is still hope. Here’s what to do instead: wear more white and color (spring is the time for good vibes and bright colors), sundresses for the ladies, have range of shoes to mix and match (color, hi/low top, brand, etc.,) And own at least one good pair of sunglasses.
On any given day when dressing casually, maybe skip the black t-shirt and go with something light colored or white. Wearing lighter-colored clothes actually makes you feel better and have a better attitude .Don’t get me wrong, black is still the new black, but try and mix it up every now and then. Something else to consider are all-over printed clothes. If you do not know what i’m talking about, these are articles of clothing with the design printed over the entire shirt/sweatshirt. These are going to be hugely popular this year. Also, mix it up and buy something from an independent clothing brand instead of putting more money in some millionaire’s pocket. It will make their day and you will be 100 times more original than everyone else.
Shoes are like a man’s wingman. Their sole purpose is to protect you and show women what kind of man you are, and a guy cannot have too many wingmen. Remember: “the shoe makes the man” and if an outfit says a lot about a person it is the shoes that pull it all together. The internet is a great place to shop. If you could not pick quality footwear to save your life ask your most stylish friend for help (girls, gay men, and Europeans know what iss up.)
Ladies, do not feel left out, some advice for the fairer gender would be to break out the sundresses. Also every guy loves a girl in vans, and damn-near everyone looks badass in sunglasses.
Always double check in the mirror. If anything looks like it might be wrong it probably is. And never forget: we do live in Saint Louis, people, so always check the weather before getting dressed.
